Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
