After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
