how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
