The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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