I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
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Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
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Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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