I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
