Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
