So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
