I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you had me at cake vodka
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
