I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
