my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
