If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
