My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize