do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
