living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
