I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
