Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
