Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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