I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
did i walk over a car last night?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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