First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
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His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
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THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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