I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
