Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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