I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
