You smell like a Billy Joel song
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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