saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
