you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
