my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
