We won't sleep together?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
