if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
