I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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