i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
