Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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