i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
