If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
