i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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