I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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