The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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