Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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