I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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