The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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