Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
