singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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