no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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