News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
