woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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