I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
