oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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