Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
