Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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