That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
