He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
