i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
