remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She needs sedatives and a leash
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
