Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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