Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
