his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
