I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
