omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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