Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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