I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
