Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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